paige42986's Blog

I am sitting here listening to the song you loved and asked us to play at your funeral. I have so many things I would love to be able to say to you face to face. 12 years is along time and every day I think about you and miss you even more. I would love to have one more conversation and one more hug from you. I miss you so much! You always were the one to love and protect me and you always told me I was going to be okay. I don't have that anymore now that dad is gone to. I so wish you would have been the one who guided mike into adulthood not sue. I wish you could have been around to see mike graduate high school. I so wish you could be around to see mike get married someday. There are so many things you missed and I hate that you had to miss them,. I hope you are with dad having a good old time. When I see you in heaven you are healthy and so is dad. That is the only thing that makes both of you being gone okay with me. I know your in a better place but dammit you went to young mom and i never understood why god had to take you so  soon!  I didn't want you to go!  There are days when I can barely stand myself I miss you so much. I though you told me  time heals all wounds but you were wrong this is something I haven't gotten over not by a long shot. The pain of you and dad dying has lessened at times it hasn't. All I know is my heart was ripped the first time when you went the second time when dad went. Mom I don't let people get too close to me because I don't want to love someone and to have them die my heart  couldn't take it.  You took a piece of my heart when you died and so did dad. But you both left something for me  that is better than anything money could buy and that is how you raised me. I could not have asked for better mom although I didn't act like I loved you when I was a teenager. I love you mom and I thank you for loving me back to health when I was so sick. You didn't have to! And I thank you for being the one who loved and protected mike. You didn't have to do that either! I could not asked for a better grandma for mike.!
                          Mom I have never said goodbye to you because I like to think of it as see you later because I will see you again one day! Love you miss you!  

I don't understand Mike at all. To lie the way he did about his own mother to get what he wants or what Sue wants is beyond imagination. He fears me hah! He was the one who almost killed me and he didn't think twice. He has sponged off of me knowing I didn't  have alot to begin with.  I don't know how I feel at this point because I think if I saw him right now I would just play into his hands so I keep quiet because I am the bigger person. I know I can never have a relationship with him when he tells the court he did nothing to me.  I just want him to be honest and finally admit how badly he hurt me. Unless he gets Sue out of his life and out of his head I can't  have  a relationship with him. That is not what I want it is what I have to do. I won't be lied about and I won't be disrespected by either one of them again. I just deserve better then that!

I will never let life overwhelm me again. I have made some hugh decisions about who I want in my life and I feel so good that I have taken people  out of my life who were making my life miserable. I feel so much better then I have been in  along time. What will be will be I can't worry about what is going to happen in the future because that hasn't happened yet. All I can do is make my now happy and healthy and joy us  and if there are people in my life who don't  want to be there I am more the okay for them to have the door  hit them in the ass on the way out of my life. I want people in my life who choose to love me and be there for me. I am  not going to be a doormat for them anymore and that includes mike. I have not a thing to apologize for to any one about the situation with mike. He chose his path and I have chosen mine if the 2 paths meet someday then I will welcome him back   with open arms but until that day comes I choose to have no regrets about what I have done with him.  I am not going to let people who don't know squat about the situation  get into my head and make me feel like I was the  one who was to blame for what happened to mike. He put himself where he is and I  hope he learns the lesson that is supposed to teach him. As for me, I did all I can do for him  and now it is the Lord's hands because I finally realized that I am not supposed to be the one who fixes him. Lord knows I have tried may be I was supposed to fail at this. This situation with Mike made me look at my family or the family I have left and how they treated me and I didn't ask to be born the way I was and I didn't ask for the things to happen to me that did all I know is I deserve to be treated with respect and  this has taught me that they will never ever be a healthy part of my life and I am not going to be  treated the way they do. They will miss out on the person I am now and that is their loss not mine. I have learned that my family is not my blood but they are the ones who treat me better then any of my family of my blood does. So right now  I say good bye to all the toxic people in my life and never will I again allow them to destroy my peace of mind and my serenity.
No one has the right to take that from me ever/ 

What kind of a relationship will I have with mike now that I know I won't be able to see him for 5 years. He will be 31 years old before I will be able to see him. I am not strong enough to deal with this. Mike broke me and he doesn't care at all. I don't know what place he has in my life  and I can't imagine what the next 5 years will be like. This 4 months have been heartbreaking and I can't fathom what 5 years will feel like to me.

I don't think you understand what you did to me devastated me and has changed me and I thought I would never again have to feel the consequences of someone's violence never in a million years did I think you were the one to bring into my life again. I never thought you would be the one to do that to me knowing what your dad did to me. The verbal stuff was bad enough and made me feel like I was worthless and useless and unloved by you. But your violence has hurt so many people people who loved you and trusted you. My friends loved you and they knew something was wrong but never asked. I kept what you were doing hidden because I was ashamed you were doing it to me. I am trying to figure out what place you will have in my life after all your legal stuff is over. I am so angry at you I am glad we can't see each other now. I don't a family anymore because Sue has decided that it was okay to tell me when I was healing that  I was to blame for you almost killing me. And do you realize how close you came to doing just that? And you can't blame it all on your bipolar because you knew what you were doing that night. Your are right I should have left you with your dad but I didn't because I could not stand to see him hurt you. You have resented the fact that I did the adoption and put you with mom and dad. I did that because I knew they could provide you the type of future you should have had. Mom and dad could give it to you. Mom and Dad would have been beside themselves had they been alive to see what you did to me and what sue continues to do to me. They didn't raise you to hit a woman and they certainly didn't raise you  to hit me. I am heartbroken and very changed because of what you did to me. One day I hope you see the pics of my face and neck and know that you almost could have killed me.  And what would you have done? nothing I suppose because you didn't get help for me that night. I could have been dead for all you knew. I am your mom do hate me that much to want  me dead like you wished for me over and over. I may as well be dead to for  how you treated me. I just don't understand that and I never will.

My name is Kim. I am a Stage IV breast cancer patient. There is no cure. I am a fighter. I vow to go out on my terms. I am a mother of two beautiful teenage boys who are facing some of life's hardest challenges. I vow to be here, to see them through high school and onto their next path. Five years, i'm sure I'll want longer. God's will. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt and a friend. I promise to fight for you as well. My friends pain and nausea seem to be winning the battle but they will not win the war. I'll fight harder. I am a Christian. My journey home has begun. Every day must be treated as a gift. There is no going back for me. No do overs. I don't complain. I love as much as I can. I laugh as often as possible. I hug more than is possible. I want to be remembered by my smile, so I don't stop. I am blessed. My heart is full. Thank you.  

This  is what life is about! I love kimmy she is amazing and I have known her for a very long time. She knows she might not live along time she chooses to live her life  happy as she can be. Don't we all wish in times of trouble we can have her attitude.

I am just trying to understand mike and I can't. I wonder what his mind is thinking right now. I wonder if he knows how much I am hurting and suffering because of what he did to me. Does he even care about me or does he hate me. He has no clue! He knew what his dad did to me and he knew how much damage he did to me and he brought the violence into my life again. I am so angry at him and I never thought I would have that in my life again. I am not the same person I was 3 months ago and I wish I never had to see those pictures of my face. They haunt my nights and my dreams and I can't get rid of the nightmares. I am trying to be strong and feisty but there are times like now when all I can do is cry because I don't know what else to do. I am strong on the outside  about ready to fall apart on the inside. I can't believe I have to say that I am so afraid of mike because it shouldn't have to be that way. I just want to feel normal again. How long is it going tot take this time to get back to myself

I am not  the same person at all since Mike hurt me. I have become more skittish and afraid of being any where other then my house. I have a lot of emotions that are so mixed it isn't funny. I am trying to deal with the overwhelming sense of betrayal that I feel about mike and what he did to me. There is nothing funny about what he did to me. I lost my entire family over this and all because I am doing the right thing. My head tells me it is the right thing to do but my heart is not saying the same thing. I am so heartbroken over this because I don't think I will ever  have the relationship I desire with him. Because I am thinking he broke it beyond repair and I hate to say that because before I never gave up on him but I think this time I am going to have to do that for my sanity and my physical health. I don't know how to let my feelings out about this because I am afraid of who I will spew on and I don't want to hurt anyone. My dr. told me to take a journal and write Mike letters so he could see them one day/ and she said I had to sit with my anger and let it come up because I am not letting it and it is hurting me emotionally and she doesn't want to see it hurt me this way. I know he was arrested yesterday and I just don't know what to think at all. I am so angry and I am so pissed at him that I want to hurt him the way he hurt me but at the same time I can't do it because no matter what he is still my son. I hurt immensely over this because I don't have my son anymore and I don't have my sister. Who in the hell is there for me? No one that should love me. The betrayal is so immense. How do I go on after that? I am trying so hard to smile and be okay but I am not. I  wish people would understand that this isn't easy for me. I am not strong enough to go through this turmoil again. I have been the one who has always been there for mike and this is what he does to me.   I am numb and I am trying to figure out how to just go on from this. I hurt so much over this and I can't begin to tell people how I feel. I can't begin to figure out where mike got the idea that it is okay to  lay his hands on me.. 
                            I  don't know I have tried to just be okay with all of this and go on and be strong but guess what even I have a breaking point and I have finally have reached it. It is has taken such a toll on me emotionally that I am not sure how to heal this sense of anger and sadness and pain.  When I saw the pics of my face for the first time  a couple of weeks ago it overwhelmed me. The perfect handprints on my neck made me realize how close he came to killing me and why didn't he just do it. I just don't know!

I know your doctor wants me to  tell you how I am feeling but I am having a hard time doing it because alot of  very uncomfortable feelings are coming to the surface and I don't want them to  and it is killing me. I just don't know how to tell you how much you hurt me. I am afraid you won't want to hear what I have to say and you will do what you always do and that is either cuss me out or shut down. That scares me.  Because I don't want to have you shut down on me and have you never talk to me. I am so afraid that we will never be healed because you don't want us to be. Mike, as angry as I am at you right now doesn't mean I don't want to try. I have sat for days trying to figure out what was in your head that night and why you stopped choking me because you could have easily  killed me but you didn't why?   I don't  know why you did any of that.  I don't know how to feel mike it overwhelms me at times the anger the sadness. Because you didn't just hurt me physically you have hurt me emotionally and that is what is making me so heartbroken right now. I never thought I would have to protect myself from you of all people. I thought tom was the one I had to protect myself from and now you I can't even begin to tell  what they feels like. I should not have to protect my self from someone who I gave everything in the world to and yet you took it for granted. I let  you out of  alot of misplaced guilt for not being  able to take care of you when you were younger. And you knew that and you did everything you could to use that to your advantage. But it should never have come to you thinking it was okay to hurt me the way you did. I wish you could see what you did to me. not the pics you saw from the hospital but the ones Rachel took when I was staying with her. I don't think you realize how much physical damage you did to me. I just saw those pics recently for the first time and it shook me to the core of my being.  I never ever thought you could be  so cold and mean and cruel. I don't know what to do now. Do I walk away from you and have it break me emotionally or do I stay and try to heal us. I don't know if I am ever going to be strong enough to sit across from you and not be scared of you. I love you and this is why all of this hurts me so much! Maybe one day  I can only hope  that you become the young man you used to be.

I may not say it often enough to the people I need to say it to but I love you and I am so blessed to have you in my life there is nothing I will not do for you all. They are my blessings and I am so lucky to have  them in my life. When all went to hell in my life my friends have been the ones who have been my strength and I love them all. I would give my life for my  friends very willingly. My circle of friends is little but we are very tight and I am so lucky to have them. They gave me all the strength in the world to do what I needed to and heal. I am super lucky to have them in my life and I never say it often enough.

Keep me calm please lord because I have had more then I can take. Keep Rachel safe and secure. I know she isn't in very good shape and I can't get to her because I have no idea where she is. She is so drunk and I am so scared for her. I don't know if she will be mad at me for not getting to her but how can I get to her when I could not even understand her. I thought she would be able to be free of alcohol but I was wrong. I know I can't fix her and I know she doesn't think she has a problem so I  am just waiting and hoping she is somewhere safe and secure because I don't want something to happen to her. I am so worried for her and I am trying not to be but I am anyway. What is she trying to drink away that is a question  i can't answer. I am so confused and frustrated right now. I don't want  to be angry at her but I can't help it. I love her and her drinking like she is is scaring me and when I get scared my temper gets up and right now I am just not happy with her. She is more sister to me then my own sister is and I have a really bad feeling that something is going to happen to her and I could not bear that at all. Does she realize how much it would break my heart if something happened to her. It really really sucks
I am trying so hard to just not worry but I know I won't be getting any sleep tonight.

I want people in my life who want me in  theirs I decided this last night when I was totally upset and trying to have conversations with people who totally have their heads up their asses and I finally realized how toxic they were to me and I was realizing how miserable they were making me and for what? Especially my 3 sisters roni is the only one I can say truly say loves me and  will take the time to talk to me the other three could care a less about me. With Linda I am not sure now weather it was a good idea to try with her. She still has so much rage in her over dad that  I feel like I am banging my head against a brink wall. Dad was my dad too and she doesn't see how her mother hurt him and made  mom's life miserable. She will never totally understood how much tension sue and I lived in because of her mother. Dad was with the one who he wanted to be with and  her mother never understood that dad would have stayed with mom even if there had never  been a divorce. She has no idea how greedy her own mother was. She knew my dad wanted a divorce so she made him pay for it until my sis  was out of high school. My mom should never have had to work she should have been able to open her dance studio and do what she loved but she couldn't she worked at night to provide for us. And she took jobs so she could be home for us when we got home from school and she should not have had to do that. Every time I try to talk to her about that she gets mean and it is futile after that. Her mom was content to let me be a bastard and I always wondered why she wanted to torture my dad like she did. He wanted nothing more to have relationships with all of his kids but that didn't happen not while he was alive anyway. At my dad's funeral all his kids were there and all of his grand kids and his great granddaughter. This is what dad wanted more then anything while he was alive and it never happened because of 2 selfish women who thought nothing of dishonoring their father. I just don't know if I can ever come to a peace with either one of them. I just know one thing I don't want them in my life if they don't want me in theirs and that is Sue too. I am just done with such toxic people.

I think things will be better this coming year will be so much better then this last one. I am going to count my blessings everyday because I am so rich in the things that matter to me and that is the love of my friends. They  mean everything to me. They make me see there is so much hope for the future they never let me get too down because they know how to make me laugh and they have a way of making me feel better no matter how bad I may feel.  MWAH love all of you!

I am very glad to be alive and I don't care how hard my life may get I am so lucky to be alive. When I think of how close I came to never being here again I shudder. There is nothing on this earth that would make me want to die and I have been through so much in the past 2 months that any other person  would fall on their face. I sit back and just feel so blessed. I  may not have a family worth a damn but my friends make up for that in spades. I have a family of my choosing not blood who mean everything to me. My friends here too I love them all because they have given me a lot of hope and love and I am so blessed by them. Some people  just don't realize that to be alive is a blessing. I should have been dead 3 times over because of the beatings my husband would give me and I should have been dead from the attempt at 23 but I am not and I think God kept me alive because I am not done here on this earth.  I know I am meant to do something with  this life I am blessed with. I may not know it now but there is more for me out then then what people tell me there is. I think there are so many ways to be blessed and they don't have to be money. I am blessed by waking up and knowing that i am here to face one more day. No amount of money can buy that feeling. No amount of money can give me the wonderful friends I have. The ones who  have made me feel less damaged and more whole. My friends who have never once given up on me when my family did. My friends who love me and protect me on a daily basis and the ones I can call on when I have a brain fart and can't fix my computer. The ones I laugh with  and cry with and the ones who love me no matter what. 

Donna= you are one hell of a friend and I love you so much. You have made me see that I am not damaged anymore and you have been the one who came at the drop of a hat tonight when I thought I was going to have to break down and buy another keyboard/ You have my permission to tell people how old I am actually getting!!!

Rachel- You are my sister that I have chose for myself and I never thought that when I first met you but you are the most loving woman a person  could ever know. I thank god every day for you. i would never have gotten through what mike did to me and you are the one who made me strong  enough to do what needed to be done because I could not have done without you telling me that I deserve to be treated right. I love you so much!

Denise- You are amazing and you are so much like Donna the twin thing not withstanding. I will always love you and Donna because you too have taught me how to stand up to  people the Kentucky hillbilly way. You know I am never like that but you have taught me as did Donna not to put up with people's shit.

I love my friends and I love my chosen family you have given me such hope for my future

My family is the one I chose and none of them are blood to me but they treat me better then my own family. Rachel is the sister I wish I had from birth and I love her beyond measure she is a blessing to me. When my own sister wouldn't take the time to help me when I was hurt Rachel took care of me and believe me I wasn't  in good shape at all at the time she knew I was alone and hurting and she  protected me. Eric and Ashley and her are  my family plain and simple. We have some fun times and I  can honestly say Rachel brings out sides to me I have but don't show to any one. I don't feel so ashamed about what happened to me recently because she gave me the  confidence to keep strong doing what  knew what I had to do with mike. She has no clue how much I didn't want to go through the things I have had to to make sure mike gets the help he needs. I was not strong but she was and she got me through seeing him for the first time and I am so glad she was there/ I am so lucky to have a sister like her.

I don't know what it is but today has been really good. I am getting to  listen to the Brown's game and I know we will lose but  I love them anyway. I have a notion to go toilet paper my sisters house  which is fun to do even worse what she will wake up to because it is supposed to snow tomorrow and it will be such a mess. I am just ornery that way.. I  haven't been this happy for awhile and I can't tell you why today is better then any other but I have been feeling ornery  and it is funny. I know where the key to get in her house is and I could go in and saran wrap her toilet  shut and put baby oil on it and watch  her try to figure out why she sliding off. My sister and I pull pranks on each other all the time although on my end it has been along time since I have had reason to.  I am in a playful mood and it isn't because of her but she will wonder who did all these things to her and never know it was me.. There are so many funny things I could do to her but I know half of the time she would not think they are jokes because she has no sense of humor at all. I  would like to know what put the stick up her ass and where in the world did her sense of humor go. Did it die when she got married it shouldn't have because her husband has a wonderful sense of humor. She takes life to seriously and she damn sure takes herself to seriously. Watch out I am going to bring my sense of humor hope you can handle it

it has been another one of those never ending days where I just want to sleep the day away but I don't.. I have been thinking alot about my sister today and for the life of me I don't know why. I am just so hurt by what she did to me I just want to cry but then I don't because I used all my  tears on her and I don't want to use any more because to me it is not worth it to me. She has shown me over and over again she will never love me the way a  sister should. But then again she never has. I have never gotten her support never and I have had to accept that but it has been so hard to know there is no love there. i am trying to not get sad over the fact that I really have no family to speak of. I made the family of my choosing and I love them dearly but they are still not blood.  I feel l the most alone when I need a sisters shoulder to cry on and I notice brothers and sisters and I know I don't have one that I can count on.. She saw how badly I was hurt and yet she still decided I wasn't worth it to her to say she was sorry for what Mike did. NO she chose to blame me and totally turn her back on me. I can't help but be just a bit  angry and  confused. She saw my face and she still walked away and I can't understand that especially when she tells every one she is Christian woman. I just am blown away by that because she is such a hypocrite now if mike had done what he did to any one else sue would have been the first one to jump his ass for it but because it was me she not only didn't yell at him and make him be held accountable for his actions she and her husband actively helped him avoid  jail time for his probation violation mind you I was pushing for at least some jail time but because sue had a place to go he was court ordered there and he had not one bit of jail time to do. Sue what does your helping him avoid the consequences of his actions teach him. That it is okay to beat the hell out of me and you will  help not get in trouble. He damn near killed me and I am beyond words with how much your helping him has hurt me. I was the one who was hurt and you just don't give a damn.. What are you going to do to help on the 2nd charge he got lucky when they refused to make it a felony. It was my face he bruised and battered and it was my head he split open and it was me he gave the concussion to. I don't see how you can blame me and look at those pics at the same time. The sad thing is you don't see that what you are doing is wrong. I am sorry  to say it is.
                                                                    I may not have been the perfect sister in the world but I don't and never will deserve what you did to me. I am not going to be the one coming back this time because I was not in the wrong mike was and I am not sure I will let you in my life if you wanted to be because I will not be hurt again by you.  I just choose to say I have no sister because you sure made me feel like I was worthless. So this is good bye .

I am so frustrated right now I want to punch something. I just got home from an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon who did my back surgery and I am more confused then ever. He is not happy with the way my neck looks all along i thought it was my back causing all the problems I have been having the numbness in my shoulders and my right arm but that wasn't the case. I have he thinks one disc in my neck that has pinched a nerve but he isn't sure weather it has herniated or not. He isn't sure what the final outcome of this will be so he is thinking about referring me to a neurosurgeon so he can do the tests to see if there is more going on. Of course the douche didn't give me any pain medicine what so ever he gave me celebrex and that had me scratching my head because he should no I can't take that because it is so strong it eats my stomach up.  He left me on the soma and no painkillers. I am so tired of being in pain all the time. I do what he says  and nothing works. I am so trying to do  the things that I need to do to avoid surgery.  When will I ever feel better t is in God's hands I suppose.

I miss you so much. I am finding it so hard to not think about you. I remember how much you loved Christmas and how much you liked to  go out and shop for 3 weeks straight every day and how much dad wondered why it took us 3 weeks to do it. Christmas has not been the same for me since you have been gone. I get so down and I know you wouldn't want me to feel down and I try not to but something is missing for me without you and dad here. We are so fractured mommy and I have no clue as to how to fix it. I am so alone with out you and dad here. I don't have my best friend anymore. Mommy you were my best friend and you stuck up for me when I was so defenseless against what Tom was doing to me. I will never forget all the times you protected me and loved me back to health I never told you how much that meant to me. The biggest regret of my life is not telling you that. I should have told you that. Memories are all I  have of you and dad now and I love those memories but they make me miss you so much more. But those memories are so dear to me. They are what I hold on to when the nights get long and  I am not sleeping. My memories get me through the night. Mommy I wish you were here right now so I could cry again like I used to/ Mommy your death changed me more then I like to admit. It impacted me more then the divorce. I couldn't save you from the cancer that killed you and I couldn't fix you. I hate the cancer that killed you. You were healthy before the cancer and I will never understand why you had to get it. I turned away from every one and everything in my life because I was so scared to get too close to people because I didn't want to lose them too.I don't know what shook me up and made me see you would have never wanted me to bury myself with you and that is what I was doing. I am better now but certain times make sad because you aren't here to celebrate them with us. I know you watch over me and so does dad and you are up there having a hell of a time with nanie and grandpa doing the polka and drinking your highballs. I love and miss you mommy and know that I am doing alright. I can't wait to see you again one day but it won't be anytime soon.

I miss you so much it has been 7 years and I have never forgotten you. I will never understand at all why you chose to end your life. I know both the bipolar and the meth ate you alive but did you realize that you broke my heart and your dads's when you chose to put that gun to your chest and pull the trigger. I never thought I would lose you . You were my best friend and I loved you and I tried to make you see that your life had meaning . Your life had meaning to your dad me and your sister and your nephews but you didn't see it that way. I remember the day they told me you were not here any more and I sank to the ground and I was numb. As much as I want to hate you and blame you for leaving use the way you did I can't because you were in so much emotional pain  that you chose a path I would not have gone down with the meth but the pain you must have been in emotionally must have been horrible. What saddens me is that you chose to just give up and not fight  for yourself. I just wanted you to fight and you didn't and I can't ever understand  that. You had so many questions about who you were but you never asked them and never got answers and I knew it ate at you so much.
                                                                 I am sitting here listening to Fleetwood  Mac and I am  thinking about all the times we sat on your front porch and just  listening to them hours on end and never spoke a word. I miss you so much and I miss your smile and your kind words and all the times we just sat there and talked. I just wish you knew how much it hurt me to see you at the end of your live  not caring about anything but the meth. I never gave up on you when every one else told me to  not care and not to try and help you. But I was never going to do that because  you were my best friend and you mattered to me. i just could not give up that easy.. I could not walk away from you even when I knew the meth was putting you in such a bad state of mind. I knew it was the meth talking when you told me you hated me because I knew in your right mind you never would have said that to me. Everyone tells me your act was selfish but I wish they knew the pain you were in and then they could not say it was selfish at all. At least I will never look at it that way. All I saw was a man in pain and not  knowing what to do about it. I know you are up in heaven and not in pain anymore but that doesn't make it any easier for those of us here left to wonder why.